Dearest ♥ Friends,
To add another layer to this experience in Aups … or should I say ‘Oops’ … for it is definitely much of the latter!
It is another roasting day … 41 degrees at 18:00 …
I am staying at the end of a track in a tiny hamlet … in a somewhat derelict building … ‘Roughing it’ would be an apt assessment of my current living conditions.
And I am writing … editing … recording …
The windows are open and I hear the occasional passers-by speaking melodic French. And … each time I notice an internal auto-response: “Is someone about to knock on the door?”
This thought … anticipation … preparation even … to possibly have to answer it has occurred several times since I arrived twelve days ago … but then I realise … this will not be the case at this address for no one knows I am here … not even the postal service.
And there in that line – “No one knows I am here” – is revealed yet another layer of ‘replay’ unfolding … from what was ‘back then’ in the ‘uncle’s farmhouse’ – (https://www.facebook.com/nicolyac/posts/2600254010077501).
So this temporary experience (I move again on Aug 31 deeper into the ‘Cote d’Azur’) feels two-fold:
1) – the ‘replay’ of being in the middle of nowhere alone, where no one knows I am here … and I do not know anyone … (landlord returned to the UK over a week ago).
2) – the highlighting of how modern life ‘conditions’ us when in our ‘homes’ for the ‘knock on the door’; be it family, friends, the post woman/man, deliveries, etc, … the expected or unexpected.
There is this ‘auto-response’ … a here and now unconscious alert to that ‘knock on the door’ …
An entire book could be written on the myriad of experiences … the epigentics … of what a ‘knock on the door’ could mean/has meant in our lives as well as those of our ancestors – for better or worse.
Yet to experience this total anonymity in terms of my physical location is quite revelatory. For, once again, I find myself reflecting on the mantra that has proven to be my most profound life lesson so far, one which I have mentioned several times in my writings over the course of the years, a core life lesson delivered in a simple line from ’The Invitation’ by Oriah Mountain Dreamer: “I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away?”.
I feel I have arrived at a baseline point in regard to that question. The image that fills me is one of having descended deeper and deeper into an ocean for most of my life in response to that existential enquiry … and now it feels like I have made contact for the first time with the ocean’s bed … gone as far down as I can into the unconscious.
So, for the next three weeks it feels like I will be bobbing up and down touching the floor of the ocean having finally made it there/here, while at the same time preparing to begin to ascend free of the pull of the baseline depths of the ocean/unconscious …
My sense is that after August 31 I begin a journey of ascent and really will be opening my eyes to a ‘Coast of Azure’ – an azure coastline backdropped by tree covered mountains – the ideal environment I have always longed to live in … where the mountains meet the sea … and Here I AM.
I move again in early October … to where unknown. This path of non-attachment … this way of BEing … is all about living in the moment. To where and how are mysteries yet to unfold yet trust is strong enough now to let go, let God.
Uncertainty in the absence of security is a rollercoaster ride of ups-and-downs … and yet holds a promise of the extraordinary.